First Field Trip and Fears

My daughter is in Kindergarten and her first field trip was Friday.  I signed up to chaperone and then after turning in the form,  instantly got worried that something would go horribly wrong, or what if all the kids hated me and then no longer liked her because of it? What if all of the other parents were just better than me?  I seriously considered reneging. Why I had these feelings, I don’t really know…and yes, they do seem kind of silly in hindsight but were very real and nerve racking up until we were well into field trip day.  They are completely unfounded, to be honest it’s the lack of confidence that I have  that sometimes overwhelms me until I realize that I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do.

I mean, I’m not a mean or scary person.  I have successfully kept a 3 and 5 year old safe everyday not to mention the hours upon hours of babysitting since I was 12 years old.  I’m just a few credits short of graduating with my BAS in IT Management, have technical certificate in web development,  finished multiple online classes, and I’m quick  to pick up on new programs or task that I have to complete.  What I’m getting to is, it’s not as though I have no experience or haven’t accomplished anything.

In confessing this I also realize I may be the only person who has ever had these fears.  It’s ok though…because they didn’t stop me, I did it anyway and just as a follow up the kids I chaperoned had a great time.  All of the other parents who were chaperoning as well were awesome and kind.  Everyone had a great time.

The Why?

There’s nothing I remember ever happing to me that has caused such a lack in confidence.  My parents have always told me I am capable of whatever I put my mind to.  If I didn’t reach my full potential at something they’d encourage me and let me know that I could do better.  I’ve never been told that I was ugly or not worthy of something.

A Good Name

My parents always pressed the point that a good name is better than many riches.  They taught me to remember when people saw me, I represented those I loved such as my parents and grandparents and that I wouldn’t want to do something to tarnish their name.   I suppose, it’s this foundation that allows me to suck it up and ultimately ‘fake’ it (my confidence) that I can belong.

A Good Name is Better Than Many Riches Click To Tweet

My parents praised, encouraged, loved and supported me with everything and could not have done more- I think that maybe it’s because they didn’t always believe in themselves.  I saw (and see) my mom and beautiful and incredible talented- she can cook anything and make it taste delicious.  She’s created beautiful wedding and birthday cakes that are just unbelievable and taste incredible.  However, she’d always say she just wasn’t good enough.  A lot of the women in my life were that way.  They  are super talented in various areas- be it teaching, singing, cooking, art…but they  couldn’t see it. (They could see it in the other person and would praise it, but in themselves it was impossible to see it in).  I think that maybe that’s where this comes from.  If they aren’t good enough than I certainly am not.  If they aren’t pretty enough, and I can see features of myself that are similar to theirs, then that must mean that neither am I.

Conclusion

These thoughts have lead me here…I work as hard as I can (sometimes against every fiber of my being) to not convey to my daughter (and son) that I don’t feel like I’m good enough.  I consciously don’t complain about how some days I feel like I can’t do anything with my hair because it’s so thick. That I wish my legs were longer (I’m 5’4), and my smile was better.  No, if someone complements me I accept it and say thank you instead of the reaction I honestly want to give which is … ‘no, really I’m not good at whatever it is you are saying I am.  You have no idea how I’m not. In fact, let me point out the ways…’

I embrace my after baby body.  I have two beautiful incredibly smart, gifted kids that this body carried for 42 weeks each. If I can’t accept this body, will they feel as though they came from it so they aren’t good enough either?  I don’t’ know, but I am willing to be as conscious about it as I can to convey confidence to them and to encourage them they are smart and do belong.  I may be totally wrong, but ultimately it won’t hurt, that much I do know for sure.

 

Have you ever had the moments where you feared you wouldn’t be up to ‘par’?  Are you great at finding ways to improve your confidence and banish your fears?  Share with me in the comments!

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